Saturday, October 15, 2011

I remember you as you were in the last autumn.
You were the grey beret and the still heart.
In your eyes the flames of the twilight fought on.
And the leaves fell in the water of your soul.

Clasping my arms like a climbing plant
the leaves garnered your voice, that was slow and at peace.
Bonfire of awe in which my thirst was burning.
Sweet blue hyacinth twisted over my soul.

I feel your eyes traveling, and the autumn is far off:
Grey beret, voice of a bird, heart like a house
Towards which my deep longings migrated
And my kisses fell, happy as embers.

Sky from a ship. Field from the hills:
Your memory is made of light, of smoke, of a still pond!
Beyond your eyes, farther on, the evenings were blazing.
Dry autumn leaves revolved in your soul.

poem by Pablo Neruda

Friday, October 14, 2011

"The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so it goes away. Puzzling.”  Robert M. Pirsig.

This tends to be a theme in my life.  I am wondering if I will ever become truly cognizant of living in the present and acknowledging my truths.
Truth knocks often and I tell it to go away.  I know it is there, but I am not capable of accepting it.
Puzzling for sure

Sunday, July 31, 2011


Sweet, Sweet Sixteen.

Many thoughts come to mind when I say the word Sixteen.   It brings back memories of being sweet 16 myself.....a time when life was blossoming and I was on the cusp of womanhood.   Many firsts happened my Sixteenth year....some good, some bad, but all memories and moments to learn by.

Then the years roll forward and I watch two of my own daughters turn Sweet 16.   I know that for them, it was similar years.....that cusp of leaving the realm of 'childhood' and moving into the mysterious, complicated and delightful realm of 'womanhood'. 

and then to see so many more moons and sun circle the earth that now too, they have left the 'teen' years themselves.   It makes me realize how quickly time is fleeting......this cycle of life.

But for me, this Sweet Sixteen I speak of today is one that has been a long time coming [or so it seems].  This Sweet Sixteen is a Celebration......a countdown.  I finally feel like I am on a countdown in this journey of mine to health and well being.

This morning I stepped on the scale and I am within SIXTEEN pounds to my goal.  

16......I truly never thought I'd see this day, and it has been about sixteen years since I was at this goal weight, so the sweetness of the journey is coming to the realization that my lifestyle change and embracing myself and my health is working.....slowly and steadily.  Seriously, I had my doubts that I would finally be at this point.

But it is here ~ I am here.

Let the countdown begin!!!!

Friday, July 22, 2011


Went for a motorcycle ride.

I never ride on his bike.

I was never allowed to.

Things have changed.

Went for a ride to High Bridge.  To Circa, for a beer.

I had the beer, two to be exact.  He had diet coke.

At the bar there was a newspaper of a brewer.  It caught my attention.

On the cover is an older woman in a bath tub.

Her name is Mohave Niemi, and there she was, on the cover of the newspaper, naked, in her bath, with a smirk on her face that made me realize that I so wanted to be an eccentric old lady.

I mentioned this to him and his comment was "You are already an eccentric lady"

Wow, he does know me.

I was pleasantly surprised.

The creed of Rouge Ales is this:
"The Rogue Way."
•Listen generously.

•Speak straight.

•Be there for each other.

•Honor commitments.

•Give acknowledgement/appreciation.

I am thinking that I really like riding on the back of a motorcycle.
I really like stopping at Circa [yes, my motorcycle ride is all of 7 miles] and having a hand-crafted ale.
I'm thinking that I like the fact that I am already considered eccentric.
Now to just figure out what I can tag my image as an old lady naked in a bathtub to.

a year flies by

Rick moved to New Hampshire.

He got a house-share with some amazing guys.  Perfect for him, as my sister-in-law Victoria so eloquently stated.. "He is the eternal frat boy"

Rick needs his male bonding. Always has, always will.

Life was good.

I was alone, but I  am a very strong and capable woman, I could do this on my own.

On my own, I realized my heart and soul have been lost.

I realized that I had been hiding within my own skin.

I knew that I need to break myself free.

and that is where I am now.

Getting healthy on so many levels.

I've lost 72 lbs since last February 2010.

I am running.....


I am working on organizing my life, whilst still being a hands-on, all-attentive Momma.

That takes a lot of effort and commitment. 

I am content.

I am happy.

I am where I need to be.


where I have been......where I am going.

It has been way too long since I have sat and written about life.

Life has a funny way of just continuing, even if you haven't paused to recount what has happened.

What has happened since I last wrote.

A world of things have happened.

I stopped writing on the realization that I was living a lie.

The life I was living was not what I believed it was.

I've moved past that.

Since that time, Rick was laid off.  For a year.  For a year I carried us all.

I dealt with his depression, his thoughts of failure and tried all I could to lift him up.

I went back to work for benefits.  Making less money than I was making with my home-based business. but at least I had the safety-net of benefits.

That was a good thing, as while we were under Cobra, Emma Sage got sick.   What I thought as just a rash and a virus, turned  into a nightmare, with her being admitted to Goyeb Children's Hospital and the thoughts she had Leukemia. 

Yes, that scary, big word that all parents of a child with Down syndrome fear.   Leukemia.

After a week of being on pins and needles, a bone-marrow aspiration.  A few immature blasts.  It turns out that it was a unknown virus.  We were spared this round.

But it meant that as soon as Cobra ran out,  if he was not gainfully employed with benefits, I would have to venture out of my safe-haven and get a job with benefits.

He worked contract.  He made more money contracting than he did with his permanent full-time job. 

For that I give thanks.

I went back to work for benefits.

I am still working.

Rick got a job with New Hampshire.

It meant uprooting the family.

With two in college and Otto just about to start high school......

I paused.

I reflected.

I realized that what was wrong, so terribly wrong in my relationship had not changed.

I wasn't going to move.

I kept my job with benefits and Rick moved to New Hampshire.